A Premonition

“Look at me,” he commanded, “and don’t move.”

I was on top of him naked, with my legs straddled around his waist.

“I’m going to ruin you for all other men,” The Mind Reader informed me.

My crooked smile appeared as he pulled my hair and began thrusting underneath me.

Talking during sex is a personal preference. Personally, I’m a big fan. …depending on the conversation.

The Mind Reader had been aware of all of my turn-ons right from the beginning. No direction was ever needed.

“I’ve thought about us you know. You come here after work…we eat…have intelligent conversation…just be together.”

“Yes,” my breathless happiness was apparent.

“I like it when you say yes like that,” he commented, “I like it even better when you say yes, sir.”

He placed his hands around my waist and flipped me onto my back. Christian stood and hovered over me for a moment. He lifted my waist into the air forcing me to brace my weight on my hands, and to curve my body into a backwards bend. I was staring at the back of the couch as Christian provided me with my first upside down orgasm.

Everything had been very casual with Christian. My guard never came down and neither did his. After a month of friendly meetings, I was over what had turned into a FWB situation. Actions speak louder than words, and while Christian had told me he wanted something serious, he sucked at the follow through.

The Mind Reader never made future plans. We rarely went outside of his house. He was a poor listener, and he didn’t seem interested in much having to do with me besides the basics.

Christian texted me one morning, and I refused to see him later that evening. I calmly explained that what he was offering wasn’t enough. I needed more.

“What if I start doing better? Trying harder?” He inquired.

“Well when you start doing that, we can talk,” I answered.

After that he sent text messages daily and asked me out for drinks, but I had already made plans a week ahead of time. He asked to come over to my apartment one night and I agreed. I had missed his face, and his eyes …and his delicious sense of dominance.

He arrived looking as handsome as usual, but sensing his forever casual attitude towards me, I was turned off right from the beginning. We all want someone who’s happy to see us. Christian rarely displayed that emotion.

Showing him to the bedroom, I offered him a drink and he declined. He sat in my round, red chair and I could tell his mind was spinning. I sat Indian style on my bed as he began…

“So, do you want children?” He inquired.

My inner monologue came to a complete halt. ….Ummmm what?

The Mind Reader and I had barely talked about being exclusive, and here he was asking me if I wanted babies…

As my mouth began to move I could almost sense the reality of this conversation.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” I admitted. “….I certainly don’t want kids right now. I want to focus on getting my doctorate, and other aspects of my life rather than kids. But I can’t promise that in six years I will feel the same exact way. No one could promise that.”

Christian began to explain why his guard was so high, and why it had taken him so long to have this conversation with me. He became sullen when describing his first heartbreak after his divorce, and how in the beginning she had told him everything he had wanted to hear. He had fallen in love with her, became comfortable, and then she had ripped out the rug underneath him. Christian also explained how he had gotten a vasectomy a few years ago, because he was happy with his two children and did not desire anymore.

“I just, I can’t waste anymore time,” he sighed. “I’m fine with just me and my kids. I don’t want someone coming into my life who’s just going to leave again.”

It was becoming more obvious by the second that Christian had never seen me as anything even remotely serious from the very beginning. My age and inexperience in life had made him only want one thing. But now it was as if I could see the fear on his face. He knew he was capable of having real feelings for me.

“I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you right now if I didn’t feel a connection. But I don’t jump into the fire anymore.”

And there it was…the blunt and honest truth. I didn’t meet Christian’s ABC criteria. I didn’t have kids, I have never been married, and my future is still up in the air.

After Christian got done speaking you could hear a pin drop. I had needed to collect my thoughts before I responded.

That was the moment. It was almost as if the tables had turned and I could see the future. I knew that in the end, I would hurt The Mind Reader. As we made eye contact I could see myself leaving him.

“Well then, I don’t think is going to work,” I said sadly. “…because I absolutely need someone who is going to jump into the fire with me.” “This is life and I want love, and unfortunately falling in love will always mean some kind of risk of being burned.”

…it was a break-through for me. I was being honest with myself and with the man across from me. I knew what I wanted, and I wasn’t willing to settle for less.

“…and my scars aren’t even healed yet,” Christian replied.

It was by far the most straight forward and meaningful end to a relationship that I had ever experienced.

Christian left that night and we both knew we would never see each other again unless by chance.

He texted me the next day and said one of the kindest things you could possibly say to a girl who is searching for love…

“There is no doubt in my mind Jessica that you will find someone to jump into the fire with you. Please want babies in five years so I don’t feel like I’ve made an awful mistake.”

It made me smile, and it gave me a chuckle…and then tears began to form.

If Christian and I had been meant to be, I couldn’t have seen myself leaving him, and his ABC criteria would have been thrown out the window.

…because when we REALLY want someone, we follow the most important muscle in our body…The Heart.



16 thoughts on “A Premonition

  1. You can’t write a better opening to a blog post than that.

    Yes, talking is nice. You should incorporate every sense you can. Hearing is a big one. Gentle pleading is a fav.

    Doesn’t a texted promise to ‘try harder’ ruin everything right then and there? I could never stand pleading. And listening to someone talk about their heartbreak is a dry conversation, to say the least. We’ve all been there but everyone thinks they’re love’s first-ever casualty.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, i am impressed with how you handled the situation. No games, just honest, from the heart response. Well done! He’s obviously not ready to jump in the fire so there is no sense in waiting around to see if he will change. Continue to stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Unfortunately my darling, timing is everything. You have to be true to what you want and what you need… and either you giving that up, or asking your potential mate to, is not going to end well ultimately. But it’s hard when you feel that other than misaligned desires, it would be a great match.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel exactly the same way as you. It’s all about emotions to me – probably this is why I end up in so much ‘trouble’. But hey, if you can’t follow your heart blindly, I don’t think anything is worth it…

    Liked by 2 people

    • This.

      I still have trouble distinguishing between ‘not being ready to jump in the fire’ with ‘following blindly’. Perhaps im not wording it right…but I can understand the one and done ideal. Ive felt like that before after several trainwreck dates. But i know I can love again, the question is, do I let myself? Am I afraid to go all in again and find out its a waste?

      Liked by 2 people

      • This is where my romantic perspective comes from, Matt. I believe that when the emotions are strong enough, the feeling will automatically push you into ‘the fire’ , if this makes sense.


      • Christian and you have a lot in common. You have both been burned badly, and you’re both not ready to date. This story of his should tell you something. Christian found someone he liked and could MAYBE see a future with, but he couldn’t take the chance because he assumed I would hurt him. This is what you will run into if you started dating right now I think.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s