Due to an unforgiving bout of insomnia last night I was organizing almost everything in my life that could possibly be organized. I shuffled through papers from work, clothes, shoes, I considered alphabetizing my “To Do” list, but instead I chose to riffle through my email inbox.
“It’s time,” I told myself. “It’s time to get rid of Peter James Turner for good…every bit of him.”
Here’s the problem with getting rid of something that once upon a time made you happy: If your current state of living is not how you want it to be, then you begin wishing and dreaming about what it could have been. It’s a dangerous game filled with unforgiving shoots pushing you down too many ladders.
While I’ve moved on, the connection is still missed. Perhaps one day….
Every Thursday (whether the post is read or not) I will be sharing an email between myself and Peter James Turner. I will then be deleting said email and looking for someone in real life who I can build something REAL with.
An email I sent him while at work one day shows how he knew exactly what to say and how he broke down my walls so effortlessly. My writing is black italicized and Catfish’s responses are in Red.
Email Title: You’re Tacky and I Hate You
Get it together Twat-Waffle! Jesus…SOMEone’s on the rag.
Jesus…I just keep having to wait and wait on you. 😉 get fucking used to it. I waited for you for 25 goddamn years.
You truly are the girl in this relationship. It’s like I’m the man waiting in the living room while you’re STILL trying to figure out what outfit will make you look thinner. …and it couldn’t be more annoying. you’re so stupid lol
For this reason, I’ve decided that when you get home I will make you wait on me for EVERYTHING. Going to dinner?…just give me five more minutes. You need me to come to bed? …oh let me paint my nails first. It’s time to wake up? …let’s hit the snooze another three times.
Just accept all of this and move on…because I’ve waited for you for 25 years and 8 months…I will do no such thing. If you purposely make me late for everything I ever plan to do, I will not be a happy camper. I believe in 3 things: love, trust, and BEING PROMPT. Jesus Christ. I’m marrying someone who is so mentally challenged she doesn’t know how to use a motherfucking watch. I’m going to have so many ulcers.
Also for when you get home…I’ve decided there should be a designated day every week you’ll be required to give me a present. This will serve as a reminder to the both of us that I’m the superior one. Again, just accept this and move on…It would have not a single thing to do with you being “superior.” IF I choose to give you gifts, it will be because I choose to spoil you. That way, you don’t feel the sting of being inferior as badly.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that work is boring and stupid today so I’ve made the decision to not be an adult anymore. But I don’t have enough money to runaway…so if you need me I’ll be coloring in my Ninja Turtle Coloring book underneath my blanket fort when I get home. We need to make forts. This isn’t something I want to do, it’s something I NEED to do.
It’s surprising how the only thing BETTER than the name Jessica is ….Jessica MothaFuckin’ Turner. That’s right…Jessica MothaFuckin’ Turner just gave you a black eye…what are you gonna do about it punk? I just made you my bitch. You’re welcome. In all honesty, Jessica Turner is by far the best name I’ve ever heard. Just saying.
Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking about when I decided to fall head over heels for you…it’s like I said to myself “this is the most ridiculous person I’ve ever met and will ever meet in my entire life so of course I should spend forever with him because he obviously needs supervision”…btw…What are you doing with you life right now? Answer: Making me wait. Jesus. This is how you get when I’m off working hard all day? Get yourself together, Mrs. Turner.
I guess since you’re not back yet I’ll have to start asking about your day…but really since it didn’t include me…I feel like it’s an unnecessary day that we both should just forget about. 🙂 all my days include you, you just don’t know it 🙂
1. How are you feeling? like a million bucks
2. How was the patrol? except for our little problem, it went well
3. Did you get hurt? just my pinky but it’s a pretty unnecessary digit anyway
4. Was anyone else hurt? Dougie broke a nail and I thought he was going to die
5. What are your thoughts on e-readers…you know like…Kindles, Ipads…that kind of stuff since you’re such a bookworm nerd? I’ve never used one so I don’t really have many thoughts on them. Someday I might want to try one, but then part of me thinks I’d miss the old fashioned feeling of having a real book in my hands. I don’t know…it’s a cool technology that I know would give me a million books at my fingertips but it might be hard to get used to
6. How much did you miss me today? (I haven’t missed you at all) Yesterday was miserable. I missed you so fucking much. I tried to stay joking and light hearted with the guys but it didn’t work but it didn’t work bubs. Expect a mushy email coming, and a very sexy web-cam session later my lady. 😉
7. Did you think about me at all? (because you’ve only crossed my mind once and it reminded me of what an absolute mess my future is going to be) every second…I think about you every second of every day. I know you’re being funny here and I had a hilarious word assault I was about to throw upon you, but I think I’ll just be honest. You Jessica are the only thing that makes my heart keep beating sometimes.
8. Did you get any good sleep last night? decent
9. Any Dreams? I don’t remember any from that night and the only one I remember from today is the spicy one I will tell you about later tonight 😉
10. Were you on the Turret today? (I better have a “no” for this response or else I’ll take the liberty of removing your teeth myself when you’re home whether they need it or not) I was in my normal spot. The guys gave me shit for it all day, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m so tired of listening to their bitchy complaints.
11. Speaking of which…how’s your mouth feeling baby? I’m still babying it, but it’s starting to feel better. Thank you for asking babygirl
12. What have you eaten today? I’ll answer for today – scrambled eggs, toast, and 2 bananas
Today’s Gem: …because you’re going to come home to this one day after work…and neither Charlie or I will be ashamed. Another thing to chuck in the fuck-it bucket and move on with...I hope you realize that YOU will also be coming home to this as well. Or you’ll get pictures sent to you like this while you’re at work. It’s just the way it is. You’re marrying a fatty, so in turn, your child will be a fatty.
Alright…well I’m gonna go do some actual work now. We’re moving to our new offices this week so I’m gonna help pack a little. I didn’t know about this? Where is your office moving to? You know I want to know everything about my girl’s life. I’m your stalker and I’m gonna climb through your window with a birthday sloth later. 😉 You just got a lady-wood didn’t you?
I had to send this email because the Sappy one I sent was just making me miss you a painful amount. …so I had to remind myself of what a complete ass you are. I like your sappy side…but I also like your fiesty side too. You’re fucking perfect 🙂 even when you’re being a giant bloody twat
You’re my favorite of all time in the History of Forever…and you’re mine 🙂
-Your Lady Boo