My relationship with Jeremy was a simple one. A much older man meets a much younger woman, lies to her about his age, and then has her move in with him a year later. One day she discovers he’s forgotten to take his wallet with him to work and glances down at his driver’s license. She then learns Jeremy is ACTUALLY 41 years old rather than the 36 he had told her. He has also lied to her about his exact birth date, and his name is spelled differently than how she had been spelling it for the past year and a half.
It was all downhill from there really. Initially I was convinced he was a serial killer on the run. But he wasn’t. He was just a middle aged man who had fallen in love with the blonde next door and was afraid of rejection.
The truth is, I was never in love with Jeremy. Even when I believed him to be who he said he was…I never for one moment thought he was my soulmate. When I first met him he represented everything I had been lacking: a stable man who was a hard worker, and accepted me for who I was. Turns out, even my safety net wasn’t so safe after all.
After a year of trying to rebuild my trust I gave up. I realized what I was doing was unfair to me, but more importantly it was unfair to Jeremy. He deserved someone who loved him. Rather than the bright-eyed 22 year old with endless hopes and dreams, I was three years older, more jaded and fiercely independent. I was also craving someone who could give me an orgasm without having to direct him each step of the way.
So I set out on a journey having no clue where the road ahead would take me, but only hoping it would lead me to him: My Soulmate.
Putting yourself out there is such a dangerous adventure. We risk bruised egos, and dents in our self-esteem. Broken hearts and new lessons to be learned are also on the docket. But it’s a risk only the brave take. We welcome rejection, because we are looking for our one exception.
When I decided to embark into The World of Online Dating I had been single for six months. There had been no dates, no flirting, no sparks of any sort after ending things with Jeremy.
The second message I received on Plenty of Freaks was from Mr. Blue Eyes. I will never forget the first time I saw him. My nerves were shooting through the roof, and I was questioning my sanity. If you’re an online dater I’m sure you can relate. Your first date with someone from online is a bit surreal. “Am I really doing this?” goes through your head AT LEAST fifty times. But after popping your virtual cherry, it’s all just kind of “meh.”
Blue Eyes stood at the doors of the restaurant that night wearing a light blue shirt with his flip phone attached to his belt. He was very tall, but thanks to my fuck me heels there was only a slight awkwardness due to my lack of length.
It was evident he was just as nervous as I was, but I think I was a little better at hiding it. I always wonder what my dates think of me when I walk around that initial corner. I wonder if they’re happily surprised, disappointed, or would like to run away and never look back. Unfortunately, Mr. Blue Eye’s face was difficult to read.
He opened the restaurant door for me, and we were seated at our table. He was a world traveler and I couldn’t get enough of his stories. His passion for Ireland and all things adventurous was highly appealing. Unfortunately when I’m nervous I tend to ask a lot of questions. Especially back then…when I was still a “dating newbie,” I didn’t quite know how to conduct myself. Poor Blue Eyes was left to do most of the talking, but I don’t think he minded. After a delicious meal he walked me to my car and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was sweet. …but I left that night knowing he wasn’t my soulmate.
A couple days later we met for breakfast. As he made a snarky comment about the waitress I confirmed what I already knew. Blue Eyes wasn’t my person. He was intelligent, cute and sweet to me, but when our lips met after our morning meal there was…nothing.
So I made the choice. I chose The Psychopath, and took a whirlwind course in dating, crazy people, and all of the in-betweens. I could have played it safe again. I could have saved myself from a lot of heartbreak and rejection. Mr. Blue Eyes made his feelings clear, and they were strongly in my favor, but I couldn’t waste his time or mine.
There cannot be love without risk. There must be that gravitational pull towards another human being for love to last and it must be mutual. Relationships are hard work, and without an initial connection we are selling ourselves short.
Mr. Blue Eyes and I would meet up again eventually. He would take me for a ride on his motorcycle and I would play a song for him on his Les Paul. He would kiss me, and touch me, and each time that day I would hope to feel something more…but I couldn’t. Fireworks cannot be forced….and the fire within me is waiting to create a spark.