How It All Began…

My relationship with Jeremy was a simple one. A much older man meets a much younger woman, lies to her about his age, and then has her move in with him a year later. One day she discovers he’s forgotten to take his wallet with him to work and glances down at his driver’s license. She then learns Jeremy is ACTUALLY 41 years old rather than the 36 he had told her. He has also lied to her about his exact birth date, and his name is spelled differently than how she had been spelling it for the past year and a half.

It was all downhill from there really. Initially I was convinced he was a serial killer on the run. But he wasn’t. He was just a middle aged man who had fallen in love with the blonde next door and was afraid of rejection.

The truth is, I was never in love with Jeremy. Even when I believed him to be who he said he was…I never for one moment thought he was my soulmate. When I first met him he represented everything I had been lacking: a stable man who was a hard worker, and accepted me for who I was. Turns out, even my safety net wasn’t so safe after all.

After a year of trying to rebuild my trust I gave up. I realized what I was doing was unfair to me, but more importantly it was unfair to Jeremy. He deserved someone who loved him. Rather than the bright-eyed 22 year old with endless hopes and dreams, I was three years older, more jaded and fiercely independent. I was also craving someone who could give me an orgasm without having to direct him each step of the way.

So I set out on a journey having no clue where the road ahead would take me, but only hoping it would lead me to him: My Soulmate.

Putting yourself out there is such a dangerous adventure. We risk bruised egos, and dents in our self-esteem. Broken hearts and new lessons to be learned are also on the docket. But it’s a risk only the brave take. We welcome rejection, because we are looking for our one exception.

When I decided to embark into The World of Online Dating I had been single for six months. There had been no dates, no flirting, no sparks of any sort after ending things with Jeremy.

The second message I received on Plenty of Freaks was from Mr. Blue Eyes. I will never forget the first time I saw him. My nerves were shooting through the roof, and I was questioning my sanity. If you’re an online dater I’m sure you can relate. Your first date with someone from online is a bit surreal. “Am I really doing this?” goes through your head AT LEAST fifty times. But after popping your virtual cherry, it’s all just kind of “meh.”

Blue Eyes stood at the doors of the restaurant that night wearing a light blue shirt with his flip phone attached to his belt. He was very tall, but thanks to my fuck me heels there was only a slight awkwardness due to my lack of length.

It was evident he was just as nervous as I was, but I think I was a little better at hiding it. I always wonder what my dates think of me when I walk around that initial corner. I wonder if they’re happily surprised, disappointed, or would like to run away and never look back. Unfortunately, Mr. Blue Eye’s face was difficult to read.

He opened the restaurant door for me, and we were seated at our table. He was a world traveler and I couldn’t get enough of his stories. His passion for Ireland and all things adventurous was highly appealing. Unfortunately when I’m nervous I tend to ask a lot of questions. Especially back then…when I was still a “dating newbie,” I didn’t quite know how to conduct myself. Poor Blue Eyes was left to do most of the talking, but I don’t think he minded. After a delicious meal he walked me to my car and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was sweet. …but I left that night knowing he wasn’t my soulmate.

A couple days later we met for breakfast. As he made a snarky comment about the waitress I confirmed what I already knew. Blue Eyes wasn’t my person. He was intelligent, cute and sweet to me, but when our lips met after our morning meal there was…nothing.

So I made the choice. I chose The Psychopath, and took a whirlwind course in dating, crazy people, and all of the in-betweens. I could have played it safe again. I could have saved myself from a lot of heartbreak and rejection. Mr. Blue Eyes made his feelings clear, and they were strongly in my favor, but I couldn’t waste his time or mine.

There cannot be love without risk. There must be that gravitational pull towards another human being for love to last and it must be mutual. Relationships are hard work, and without an initial connection we are selling ourselves short.

Mr. Blue Eyes and I would meet up again eventually. He would take me for a ride on his motorcycle and I would play a song for him on his Les Paul. He would kiss me, and touch me, and each time that day I would hope to feel something more…but I couldn’t. Fireworks cannot be forced….and the fire within me is waiting to create a spark.

spark

 

 

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29 thoughts on “How It All Began…

  1. My problem is I’m addicted to the spark, the fireworks … and when they fades, because they always inevitably do (for me at least) I find myself leaving. Even if they’ve faded into a comfortable stable love, I always crave the excitement and nervousness of a brand-new relationship. Annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

    • OOO Yes. That’s a dangerous pattern to get into. Those sparks can be addicting, but the trick is to still create them while ALSO thriving in the stability of the relationship. In my opinion the trick is to grow with your partner. But I’m sure it’s different for us all.

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  2. As always, I love your stories.
    I really don’t get why age is SUCH a problem to men. If I like you, I don’t care that you’re 45 to my 25. If you decide we need to bring it up daily that it’s “so cool” that “we” could look past the age difference, you obviously ain’t staying around forever. Or just an hour of my bedroom lifespan, really.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Soulmates – this is a topic that always makes me wonder. If they exist, is it always in the form of a romantic partner? I believe my soulmate was my dog, who has unfortunately passed on. So now I just see each relationship as another connection…

    Now I’m rambling. I’m at some religious retreat and I think it’s making my head funny!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lmao…how in THE WORLD did you get to a religious retreat? Btw…whenever I imagine you now I just think of you licking a Vjay drunkenly and then pushing RG’s head over to finish the job. hahaha

      I’m actually writing a post on soulmates soon. I think it means different things to all of us-so I’m writing about what it means to me.

      Have fun NU 😉

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      • My work is connected to the Catholic system, and hence I get to spend 2 days out of work praying and eating food! Boom!

        Haha and WHAT a picture to have in your head of me! Admittedly it’s probably one of the funniest moments of my life haha!

        Excellent, look forward to reading your post!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You’ve pretty much described all of my online dating journeys haha. The first moment of “What the hell am I doing?” is real. Online dating opens you to a whole realm of people that you probably wouldn’t have met otherwise. I know that I definitely wouldn’t have met my current boyfriend in the “real world” unless I was incredibly lucky. I think that if there’s a connection with someone then I think the whole “age issue” isn’t really an issue. I’m probably an extreme example, but I’m twenty and I’m currently with a thirty-eight year old. Have we had the odd “what the hell” stare? Yes. Do we let it bother us? Definitely not 😉 Life is too short to be bothered by things that aren’t going to change.

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    • This wasn’t about attraction. Physically I was attracted to Blue Eyes. This was about Chemistry…that special something. Surely you know what I’m talking about.

      I completely agree on the mistake line though. I have learned valuable lessons along every path I’ve chosen. 🙂 One of these days I’ll get it right 😉

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  5. If he’d told you he was 41 you probably wouldn’t have had anything to do with him. Where’s the fun in that? Can’t blame the bloke for trying although, clearly, he was in the wrong.

    That ‘soul mate’ stuff betrays your youth. Where’d you get that idea? A Hallmark greeting card or a special on the Oxygen network?

    I reread the previous paragraph and it sound pretty jaded. I’m not going to edit it. There’s a truth to it that only the years will teach you. But the good news is that you can find satisfaction and happiness without all those naive notions about there being just one soul mate out there. I’ve been deeply in love a few times. There’s more than just one. There will be more than just one.

    Liked by 2 people

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