My body tensed. I had a lump in my throat. Ollie’s face was as straight as ever. No hint of humor.
“ummmm what?” I asked.
“Yeah. My real name is Peter.” His lips began to slowly part into a grin.
Nervous laughter erupted from my throat because Ollie had to be joking. …Right?
“You’re stupid,” I said with a forced chuckle.
From there Ollie began to smile and laugh uncomfortably as well.
(Seriously…imagine a really awkward moment from your life…times that by 10)
To be honest, I hadn’t been in a laughing mood after explaining everything. But I know how The Catfish sounds to other people. I realize that while it’s an awful situation, it’s somewhat comical (and pathetic) that I take it so seriously. However, Ollie had asked me to begin showing vulnerable parts of myself, and while I hadn’t expected this type of response, I guess I should have…
“Oh this isn’t going to work,” He sighed. “I can already see you becoming bored with me.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’re not use to being happy and in a stable relationship.” He answered.
“But that’s exactly what I want. I just haven’t found it yet. I was incredibly happy and satisfied when I thought The Catfish was real.” I chuckled.
Ollie saw me as broken. I was tainted. He had been telling me since our second date how intelligent he thought I was, but the look on his face had changed. In that moment I could see he now viewed me as just another dumb girl.
For the first time since Catfish had nearly pulled me under, I had allowed myself to tell the story to an outsider. Beyond the World of WordPress, only a few select people know about this utter embarrassment of mine. Being seduced by an internet ghost is not something JBlondie regales people with at parties. These days I’m more likely to laugh at the thought of being naked in front of my web cam rather then cry, but I still have moments where Fake Pete haunts me.
Ollie was somewhat laughing with me at that point, but I could tell he had a million thoughts racing through his brain.
We left his house and went for dinner. He took me to his favorite burrito place, and on our way home we talked about music and some of his friends. He never really asked me questions about myself. In the beginning, he alluded to the fact he was wanting to respect my guard, but now that everything is said and done, maybe he “just wasn’t that into me.”
We spent the night cuddling on the rug in front of his fake fireplace just relaxing.
“Blankets, cuddles, and a lazy day. The Trifecta of Awesome.” He commented.
It had been a weird day in my opinion. And although Ollie had not taken Catfish how I would’ve wanted him to, he didn’t seem to be serious of what he had said earlier.
We fell asleep and I woke up to him holding me. It was a chilly morning outside, and I adored waking up to being spooned. I hadn’t been this intimate with someone in a very long time, and it felt …lovely.
Leaving that morning I kissed him goodbye, and awkwardly flew out the door. I traveled home, filled Kristyn in on what had taken place the day before, and then went to dinner with my friend Lindsay.
It was late evening when I texted Ollie a little joke we had going about him becoming my physical trainer (he’s super into fitness…a body like whoa!)
A few hours went by, and while I could tell he had read my text message (thanks iphone technology), he hadn’t responded.
At midnight he retorted with a one-line comeback.
Normally I wouldn’t become nervous by this, but the thing was, Ollie was an extreme texter. In fact, in the very beginning, I would often find myself a bit tired of texting so much. Ollie was one of those people sending ten texts in a row without your response back, whereas I’m not one to be chained to my phone. But I had appreciated his intensity so I reciprocated.
The next morning I woke up to a “Good morning,” text from him, which made me feel slightly more at ease. Later that afternoon, I asked him how his day was going…no response. Ever. Ollie was either commencing “The Fade Out,” or he had meant what he said on Saturday.
“This isn’t going to work….”
The next day I figured I’d go balls to the walls. I sent Ollie a text that read,
“Hey-any plans for Friday?”
I was not surprised in the least when I read his response.
“Yeah I have my best friend’s birthday dinner that night.”
Funny. He had his best friend’s birthday dinner last Wednesday too.
This is where JBlondie got a little crazy. I know…feel free to judge me for the next text I sent. It was a moment I shall always regret because I gave into “the game.”
“I was asked out for dinner this Friday by someone. What are your thoughts on me saying yes to that?” (By the way…totally had NOT been asked out to dinner. I was trying to play a game, which I am so NOT skilled at).
The next day I woke up angry…really angry. I was angry with myself. I was angry with Ollie. I was angry at dating, and fate, and that fucking cherub cupid who is obviously an idiot.
Grabbing my phone I sent a text which read:
“It’s very surprising to me that you would tell me your supposedly deepest darkest secret, and then do the fade out rather than being direct and up front. Just saying.”
— “Well I’ve been really busy with work and honestly that question you asked me yesterday through me off.”– Ollie’s Response
…and that’s how it ended.
Ollie was not the Catfish (but he had found my blog unknowingly to me). I had opened myself up on my own volition. I had went crazy with his inconsistency and I had let my past get the best of me. When we allow ourselves to be too vulnerable too quickly…we become easily crushed.
Maybe Ollie was doing The Fade Out…or maybe I’m insane. Maybe I should NEVER tell the Catfish story again…to anyone. Maybe Ollie didn’t like me because of my work schedule which he had already commented on how it “may not work” because of that. Maybe my comment on how I couldn’t understand the lyrics to his favorite screamo music was the deal breaker. No one really knows.
But here’s what I do know. I know that I really liked Ollie, but when someone pushes you for vulnerability SO quickly, it’s not because they want to know you, they’re playing a game. They want you to crave them. They want you to expose you’re deepest parts, so they can have the upper-hand. The words he had said meant nothing. He had no intention of staying. He wanted entertainment. And apparently The JBlondie Show wasn’t up to his standards.