They come in all shapes and sizes and can be so much fun! Schlongs are kind of amazing when you think about it. They can be hard, soft, long, short, thick, skinny…and sometimes they can even taste good!
Dip-sticks are a marvelous thing when used properly. Therefore, JBlondie thought it was about time to give a shout out to the lap-rockets of the world.
(Obviously every single jack hammer is unique, so this is just an overview). Some I’ve seen personally. Some I’ve just heard of. Others I fear.
- Hot Dogs: These are your uncircumcised baloney ponies. They’re interesting creatures who offer more than meets the eye. I personally am not a fan, but I know some women who are…and others I’ve talked to don’t seem to mind either way. Just remember to clean these disco-sticks properly, otherwise you’re going to repel anyone who could potentially want to lick your meat-popsicle.
- Pyramid Prick: Thick at the base and shoots up to a point. I tend to see these in a lot of porn. I’m not sure why. I wonder how effective they are in making a woman cum. These flesh-plugs are usually pretty long and tend to be pretty rare. So if you have one, you’re welcome to feel special.
- Forward Flute: Can you go pee without having to angle down? Then you probably have a Forward Flute. When these hoses are hard, they curve away from the stomach. They’re also usually average in length and pretty thick. Through word-of-mouth, I’ve heard they’re extremely difficult to give head to, so fellas go easy on us if you’re packing one of these guns. However, I’ve also heard when ridden in the Reverse Cow Girl position they can be utterly magical. Just a heads up folks!
- Backwards Boner: Opposite of Forward Flutes, these microphones bend INTO the stomach. Again they’re usually average in length and on the thicker side. Ladies, if you have difficulty licking these lizards just imagine how good they’re going to feel while on top.
- Side Swiper: Most man-members have at least a tiny bit of a curve to them, but Side Swipers have a significant curve to either the right or the left. Depending on where your ladies G-spot is, this could either be a blessing or a curse.
- Shorty Shafts: These little buddies are cute. Most men who are sporting these wish for a bigger tool, but there’s no need to be sullen. Shorty Shafts range from 2.5 to 4 inches, and can be a lot of fun if used to their advantage. Here’s a hint for men with a Shorty Shaft…look for spinners.
- Easy Rider: The average length of an Easy Rider ranges from 4.5 to 6.5 inches. These choppers are true to their name because most women love them. Not too thick, and either arrow straight or only with a slight curve, they’re made for an easy orgasm.
- Choad: Resembling a burrito, Choads are thick in nature and usually range from short and stubby, to average length. Through the grapevine, I’ve heard these thick sausages are difficult to make cum, and are not the preferred choice. But if you’re the owner of one of these boner-briskets don’t fear! Look for an experienced lady with wider set hips…they’ll love you immediately.
- Hairy Hummers: Men of the world, it is NOT 1972. If we are expected to trim our lady bits so are you. If you’re uncomfortable shaving down there that is fine with us, but take those scissors and start cleaning up the area. I should not be aware if you have naturally curly hair down there. I also refuse to place my mouth on anything that I have to search for.
- Pencil Dick: Thin and usually average length these are for a specific type of woman. Virgins. I’ve been told these bed snakes are more likely to go soft during sex, but are a pleasure during oral.
- Lipstick Lingam: Tiny buggers. If you’re 2.5 inches or less, I empathize with your plight. But there’s always toys and the oral exam. So instead of over-compensating, start researching! Your tongue could be god’s greatest gift to your lady.
- Colossal Kickstand: Holy Fuck. These bad boys are usually straight as an arrow, and are a lot to manage. If you’re whipping a wang around that’s 7 inches or bigger, CONGRATULATIONS. You’ve hit the genetic jackpot. But don’t get too cocky, because you ALSO have a tendency to bruise our uterus.
There you have it Ladies and Gents. The Glocockary of male genitalia. Please feel free to let me know if I missed one, or whatever your personal preference may be.
And as always…protect those peckers. Because there’s nothing worse then a Beaver Basher with an STD.
P.S. Props to The Unfortunate Virgin Male for helping me with the title.