Beige Vs. Red

“I feel like we should share our darkest secrets.”

This was the text message I received at work one night after my second date with Ollie.

Ugh. I was torn. Already? I hadn’t let anyone into my darkness since The Catfish and my guards were still on high alert.

 Should this be a red flag or am I being too cautious? I thought to myself.

It’s not a secret that JBlondie craves communication. I want to know all about you and I love when you ask questions about me in return. Share moments from your childhood with me, and I’ll probably immediately care for you. Explain to me your deepest fears, and there will be no need to sweep me off of my feet, because I’ll already be head over heels. However, this seemed just way too fast. Ollie was trying to force emotional intimacy, which only made me want to add bricks to my towering walls.

Due to his comment on our second date about how I was “keeping it close to the chest,” I felt obligated to share something about myself.

But I’ve never been a fan of “Beige Love,” “Beige Sex,” or beige in general…it’s just so…beige? Don’t you think? So per usual, I ignored the flashing red lights and proceeded down the rabbit hole.

 “You first,” I replied.

Ollie responded with three options.

1. A secret I have only told one other person.

2. The reason why I gave up on my family a while ago.

3. Something about you (well, really US).

I’m sure you can guess which one I chose….let’s be real. When it comes to JBlondie, the darker the better.

As Ollie confessed to me the secret he had only told one other person (via text messaging…weird right?) I found it incredibly strange that someone, who I had only known for two weeks, was going to give me this piece of himself to hold onto.

After he was done telling me his secret, I wasn’t sure how to respond. You see, as a therapist I have been jaded. I witness the results of neglect, abuse, and abandonment on a daily basis. Tell me about your horrible childhood, and I would bet every dollar in my bank account (which is currently $ 4.16) that I’ve heard at least one story worse than yours. Tell me the tale about how your father didn’t come to your soccer games or how your mother called you fat, and I’ll show you ten people who are institutionalized to psychiatric units because no one has ever given enough shits about them to teach them how to function in the real world.

As a society we are incredibly desensitized…but that’s another tangent I’ll save for later. Let’s get back to Ollie…

To be honest, I was a little horrified by my reaction to Ollie’s “secret” because my immediate thought was “oh that’s nothing.” I completely realize this is absolutely unfair of me. Minimizing someone’s darkest moments is incredibly cold, but a first thought is a first thought…and I couldn’t help it. I also HIGHLY doubted the fact he had only told this to one other person.

After I responded APPROPRIATELY to Ollie, he made note of how it was my turn to share. I detested this feeling of owing him something. I wasn’t ready to share the weight of my emotional baggage. Was he trying to see if I was too damaged for him? Or was he simply trying to dive into deeper waters with me?

Being fair, I provided him with three options as well. I kept my explanation somewhat surface. I admitted to him there was much more to this discussion, but it’s one I’d rather have in person. He accepted this and we moved on.

Ollie and I Face Timed a couple of nights that week and while I was excited to know more about him, I tried my best to keep him at a distance. I told him about my inability to cook, my forgetfulness, and my obsession with sloths. I was hoping he’d slowly fade away realizing how dorky and weird I was…but instead he inquired,

 “Is this how you push people away?”

“Yes,” I answered.

“Well I’m not going anywhere, so you’ll have to push a lot harder,” he responded.

I was silent.

 “Do you hear me? I’m not going anywhere,” he repeated.

With that statement I took a deep breath and my impenetrable shell began to crack. This was how I always imagined things to begin. Ollie seemed to be everything I wanted…deep, intense, and overwhelming. He was red in a world of beige.

Unfortunately, Ollie was brought into my life to teach me the meaning of the phrase “Be Careful What you Wish for.” It’s a lesson I would learn for the last time, because I would never repeat the same mistake again…

Note to Self: Once you share certain parts of yourself, you never get them back…

 

 

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “Beige Vs. Red

  1. Hrm…doesnt sound good 😦

    I was thinking you should come to NYC for a weekend, but not sure how far that $4.16 is going to get you. But i bet if we combine both of ours (i have $2.40), maybe that will open more doors hehehe

    Liked by 1 person

    • If your certain someone is who I’m thinking of…shame on him. Men should never say these things to a woman unless they’re ready to back it up!

      P.S. Can we go some where far, far, away? I was thinking The Bermuda Triangle… 🙂

      Like

      • Well given that I have no clue where “certain someone” is (ahem…aka JohnnyID) or YOU are for that matter…I say go where it’s the prettiest this time of year. Autumn is an awful season to miss out on.

        P.S. …or you could get crazy and come see JBlondie in Chicago!! Just saying! haha 😀 We’d have some crazy times girly haha…

        Like

  2. Do you want something you would like to hear or want to hear.

    And who cares if you can cook or not, I know I can 😀 Obsession with sloth, say How about making me a science project. That is how you push people away.
    My moan this Monday was about dating science and how we throw each other out there in the open.

    Dark secrets are for those who do not care about them. Who do not ask for them. Because they fell in love with the person in front of them. Not thinking of what was.

    I think moments like you described can kill the mood in an instant. and it may not be your fault. But we do use deal breakers as an excuse to stop dating a person while they may well be the best partner to have. As if a talk about dark secrets is something to ask to have an excuse if it doesn’t work out.

    You take me whole or not at all, If you ever see a crack it is because you crack me up 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re growing on me Crow. 😉
      I don’t know if I agree with you on dark secrets are for someone who won’t mind. I’ve learned in the last year that those “dark secrets” are extremely good “tells” on what kind of patterns/holes that person will fall into during the relationship. I’m not saying anyone’s damage could keep me away…but it just helps to know. Ya know? haha

      Like

      • Well I do or would agree as you mentioned that the past has a way of repeating itself. But the person has that in his own hands. My past is my past And being as dark as it is I surely would do anything to not have it happen again.
        But what dark secrets are there:. done drugs check. tried hard drugs check same sex sex check abused check but as you said you know whatever. Hel had sex with a 100 good for you. at least you know something. how boring would that be if they only use a missionary. because they were scared.

        As Matt said your darkest secret is for those you trust unconditionally and no it is no guarantee but that is not the point for sharing. It s trusting your partner enough to not hold it in any more.
        The future is made together futuregirl and it is not by looking back at the past its by making tomorrow better than today

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ranting Crow is right. I never asked about my ex’s dark secrets or past ever…I think it just came to topic one afternoon while she had taken me out to NYC for a 3 day mini-vacation (my 30th bday).

    Walking around Randalls Island watching the sun set, we just converged on the topic of past lovers and stupid things we did, where she used to live in Queens, childhood memories, etc. We were together 3 years at that point…I dont think it really put me off, but actually made me feel closer to her as I felt it was a conversation she had saved just for us…

    And I got paid today (up to $6.15 now) so 12 bucks should get you here with change to spare. Hitchhiking might be a bad idea…serial killers and stuff you know…

    Liked by 1 person

    • EVER!?! ….interesting. Why do I feel like knowing someone’s dark secrets creates immediate intimacy? And how do we create that intimacy without knowing things about them that other people wouldn’t know? hmmmm This brought up some good questions.

      Like

      • I think its that trust they are giving you telling such information.

        Remember my ex and I were messing around while we both had someone else. …so i knew what was going on with him. She dated him out of highschool til she was 22. She lost her cherry to a guy that said he loved her and then dumped her a day later, and humiliated her in front of half her friends…so maybe thats why she was kinda withdrawn sometimes.

        I was her second serious man. And to think I was ready to wife her up lol!

        But..i dont know. Maybe Im different? Are we supposed to ask somewhat early on? I just never felt the need to ask…does that make me selfish? I really just thought about today and the future…the past was the past.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. That’s a nice thought..the past is the past. But unfortunately I’ve learned that the past is usually always repeated and the saying “the past haunts us” is cliche for a reason…because it’s true. I’m more of a future girl myself but ya know…gotta take someone’s baggage into perspective when you’re about to make commitments to them.

    P.S. …a lot more then 12 bucks 😉

    Like

    • Hum…better start saving my pennies 🙂

      Youre right about the baggage part. I guess if things just click really well I kinda put it to the side (might be a bad idea) but on a lot of dates I found women opening up and telling me things that made me ponder whether or not their baggage was suitable…and a lot of times it wasnt. A different man every 2-3 months, going to WVU (party university of the US), cheating on the past 3 guys you were with, etc.

      As James Sama said, you cheat once, it can be a mistake (doesnt mean forgiven)…but you do it again, now its a decision. I made the mistake part….and hopefully will never see that again.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I have a problem of over sharing everything with everyone so easily. Want to know my masturbating habits? You got it. Want to know what I’m most ashamed of? Let me whip that memory out. My biggest regret? It’ll probably be a mixture of always being open and wishing I had a pony.
    You shouldn’t dive into secrets; it’s hard to not do that when you’ve always done that, but tell lame secrets, like how you drink expired milk and call poison control.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh if you think his is good wait until you see who’s coming up next…I believe I mentioned him to you once. If Ollie “through me for a loop,” …the man I deemed “The Mind Reader” took me for a ride. It’s pretty ironic…I play no games whatsoever. I’m straight forward, honest, and to the point whether I do, or do not like you. Lately, I seem to be attracting men who are game experts. …and usually lose!

      Like

  6. Pingback: Over Ollie | P.S. Please Don't Be a Serial Killer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s