1. You’re Closer to Death Everyday.
Listen, some people see this as a chance to grab life by the horns and ride that wild bull. I see it as a reason to drink too much, eat whatever I want, and adopt the daily attitude of “I don’t give a fuck.” Just let it all out…let that ugliness stun those around you. Unleash your freak flag, have a no pants party in holy underwear, and decide to not care.
2. True Love is a Fallacy.
Now usually I’m a crusader for Love. However, on a day such as today I’ve decided to call Bullshit on Cupid. That Chubby Cherub wouldn’t know love if it hit him in the ass. So stop exercising, stop giving a shit what you look like naked, and just sit on your couch while eating too many Cheetos for one sitting. I’m giving you full permission to eat the entire bag, and then rummage through your freezer looking for that forgotten fudge bar you hid in case of emergencies.
3. You’re not going to change the world.
It’s come to my attention lately that most people think they’re pretty special. Guess what? You’re not. In fact, most of us are rather unexceptional. We can try to be unusual, remarkable human beings, but in reality…NOPE! Accept this fact and move on. Maybe when people realize their impact on the world is far less then they imagine it to be, we’ll start getting closer to a World Peace Treaty.
4. Everyone has their ugly days.
You’re not that hot. You should probably be shooting to take that 6 out on a date rather than the 9 you’ve had you’re eye on all month. The 9 will just hurt you in the long run. Trust me. 6’s are safe…and usually much nicer. (But who wants “nice?” …see #2) Today is the only day in the history of time I will ever say this…settle. Settle before you end up ugly, fat, and alone. We really need to stop demanding perfection…
5. Your Dog is NOT your best friend.
…because he’s a dog and he does not have feelings. Learned behaviors? Sure! But he doesn’t love you. Get over yourself.
6. Everyone uses everyone else.
I’m sure some of you will be shocked and horrified at this statement…and to that I say? I don’t give a fuck. Reality is we use everyone around us to fulfill SOME wanting or need we have. Mayhaps we want love. Maybe we need a promotion…or maybe we just want the cashier in the grocery store to be behind the register because we’re feeling too lazy for the self-checkout today.
7. No One Cares.
Have a Pity Party. It’s your party, you can cry if you want to. Why don’t you just cover your head back up under the covers because sending whiny text messages to your significant other isn’t going to help. They may bring you home some chicken noodles soup, but since we grew up…your bad days really don’t matter to other people. I wish mom’s kisses still helped your boo-boos. But since they don’t, I suggest “boo-fucking-hooing” until the cows come home because no one owes you anything.
8. Tomorrow will come.
(Unless of course it’s your time, then see #1 above) The sun is going to shine again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s one I won’t be appreciative of…but it’s there none-the-less. And since tomorrow is already on it’s way….you should let yourself go. Today!
…you’re welcome to come on over…I’m just sitting on my couch day drinking and eating too many Cheetos.