Move to Trash

There it was. A garbage bag filled with Him. The notebooks he had written to me in…pages filled with lies, two t-shirts with his scent on them, the white dress, the pair of camo boxers…everything was being trashed.

I sat down and wrote a note to Kristyn so I wouldn’t have to make the final decision. I couldn’t throw him away. My heart wouldn’t let me.

 “Do with it as you see fit. I just can’t.”

 Dramatic? Yes. But in drama there is art and in art there is beauty.

It had been exactly two months since I had heard fake Pete’s voice. I still thought about him on a daily basis, but I no longer cried. Most of my thoughts centered around his lies. They were so detailed. He had portrayed all of his multiple personalities so well. He was the best friend, the brave soldier, and the soul-mate.

 Kristyn’s only response these days is “but he isn’t real.” And while I understand this, I also have to actively remind myself there is no such thing as perfect love.

I hope for the day a man’s love will be my kind of perfect though. I hope that one day I will be loved despite my flaws.

And on my lonely nights, when I’m craving him…I still read the emails. Sifting through 1,423 emails about work, love, life…Charlie…it’s heartbreaking to know that none of it, not a single word was honest.

I’m ashamed to say I still hope for an email from him. It’s embarrassing to admit that I miss his laugh. The vocabulary he emitted so naturally from his deceptive lips was music to my ears. His darkness was parallel to mine, and the light he portrayed was something to envy.

I know deep down there is some part of me that will always be reserved for him…my Catfish

Sometimes I imagine his voice telling me goodnight. And then suddenly I have a resounding mental note: for all you know Jessica it could’ve been a butch lesbian with a voice box…

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14 thoughts on “Move to Trash

  1. The first step of removing him is always the hardest. Head up – you did nothing wrong and I’m so sorry you’re going through this heartache. It’s good to hear your friend is helping you out…. I hear you on the craving/wishing for contact. Manly Matt called me drunk last night. I know I shouldn’t have answered but I couldn’t help myself. I love him & even though he hurt me (& is acting like a man child) I still miss him. Hugs Jessica – you’ll get through this & happiness will come again!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I hope everyone smiles at that line. 🙂 The reality this was all a long time ago and while I still think about Catfish, I wrote this at a time when things were still fresh. I’ve come to laugh a lot more about everything now. 😉

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  2. Glad to see youre making progress 🙂

    It was tough to go through my PC, my phone, and facebook. For hours. And delete everything. Picture by picture. Post by post. Tag after tag. Each one I remembered why I took it…the memories behind it. The smiles, the joys and pride to call her mine.

    Today marks one year of being single…separated from the person I decided to commit the rest of my life to (and boy was i picky about making that decision). My first two months were a mess too. But in time it will fade. All my friends are in great relationships, and someone will drop into your life at just the right time!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It really sucks someone did this to you! Go through and delete all those emails and messages, reading them will just make you more sad. Every day it will get a tiny, tiny bit easier and I reckon one day that little part of you reserved for that cruel loser catfish fuck will be reserved for him no more, but it might take awhile.

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