His lips met mine as we sat on his couch and I knew with each kiss that I was going to end up making a bad decision. I had been doing that a lot lately. My impulsive choices were a daily occurrence and I wondered when I would choose to stop making them.
My heart was not what it had been before The Psychopath, and I feared it never would be again. Riker was sweet, fucking hot as hell…and I felt…Nada…Zip…Zero…Nothing. Some of you will simply chalk this up to lack of chemistry, but it was much more than that. If my soulmate had walked into my life at that point I would have never been able to recognize him. I’m glad he stayed away.
I started to kiss Riker faster. I could tell he began to feel uncomfortable but I was getting wet. I needed him. Well, I didn’t need Riker…I needed anything to help me start to feel again. I needed his hands on my ass, his breath on my neck and his emotions. I was a straw sucking up any feelings that he may have been having for me, and using them to temporarily band-aid the open wound which had been left on my heart.
Well aware of the consequences of losing my “good girl” image, I leapt forward straddling Riker’s lap. My “good girl” image was a joke anyway, because that night I was thinking dirty, dark thoughts.
I wanted to be bruised. I craved the pain I had felt with The Mad Hatter. If I couldn’t feel on the inside, I wanted to feel everything on the surface. I was no longer looking for my soulmate…I wanted to be fucked. Hard.
Before The Psychopath, I had slept with a total of three people. While I had not been in love with all three of these men they had each made an impression on my heart. They had changed me for the better. But after The Psychopath I realized that the bad people in this world have a much larger effect on us than the good ones.
Sitting back on Riker’s knees I smiled at him and took my shirt off. Immediately I returned to kissing him, harder and faster then before.
And that’s when it happened. Deaf Riker took my small face in his seemingly giant hands and shook his head “no.”
“Not tonight,” he said as clearly as he could.
Riker was telling me he did not want to have sex. ….WHAT?…..
He slowly signed so that I might pick up what he was spelling out.
“It’s too soon,” he signed. “I want to know you better.”
This was the first time a man had refused me. And while I’d like to say that I was angry because he didn’t give me what I wanted….Riker gave me what I needed afterall.
I needed to feel precious again. I needed to feel important. It was sad that these feelings were so foreign to me, because all women deserve to feel as if they are being treasured. The PsychoPath and The Mad Hatter had used me. They had forgotten that women are valuable. We are capable of deep, concentrated love. But Riker remembered this fact, and he wasn’t going to let me use him as they had used me.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable with my shirt off. I put it back on and he taught me a few new signs before I headed home.
Eventually Riker and I did sleep together. There was no passion to speak of (obviously because I was numb inside), and he was much too passive in the bedroom for my taste, but it didn’t matter. I led Riker on and he deserved none of it. Riker should have been acknowledged for his kindness, and his slapstick sense of humor. A good woman would have appreciated him for the amazing father he is, and the natural teacher within him. Instead he was my victim. It was the first time I was with someone not because of who he was, but how he made me feel.
Thankfully Riker and I are still friends to this day. He has forgiven me for my selfishness and he told me last week he thinks he may found his soulmate. She’s apparently very lovely, and appreciates him in all the right ways.
From the deepest part of my heart, I couldn’t be happier for you.
P.S. To All the Riker’s of this world, may you realize that the women who have used you have been used themselves, and while that is not an excuse for our behavior, I urge you to end the greedy cycle of Lust and Selfishness.