Don’t worry…last emotional post for a while. And anyway-get over it. You’re the one reading this nonsense.
Life is funny…and it can be good, bad, exciting, and blah all in the same week. I’ve always believed that EVERYTHING happens to us for a reason. Every person we meet, every relationship that forms in our lives was created for at least ONE purpose.
But it’s hard to see the purpose of Pete.
What do you do when you realize that the person you’ve been sending prayers of thanks up into the clouds for…isn’t real? Every word that ever came out of their mouth was a lie….Catfish Intro
Well I can only tell you what I did…I cried. A lot. I probably could have caused some type of tidal wave if I had been anywhere near an ocean. Kristyn was getting worried…and annoyed. My Catfish had possessed a powerful rip current, and I had been sucked underneath the water.
Yep. I had those embarrassing moments of tearing up at work because he had called me there to tell me goodnight too many times to count.
I cried in the shower. …because he had watched me shower. Yuck.
I cried folding my laundry…because he had watched me fold my laundry, and jokingly made fun of my complete lack of caring when it came to adult chores.
I cried in the car, almost every time I checked my email, and several times while listening to his old Skype messages. …I know…sickening right?
I was a disaster for the first week after I found out about my Catfish.
I felt utterly stupid, and confused, and hurt, embarrassed, heartbroken, violated, sickened, scared, pissed, and did I mention REALLY stupid??
I probably thought “why me?” enough times to make the Elephant Man roll over in his grave simply due to my COMPLETE sense of self-centeredness and vanity. My dramaticalness was at an all time high to say the least.
Just being honest…right?
I think the idea of Fake Pete jarred me unlike anything ever has before because from the beginning he had made me promise “complete transparency” “no secrets,” and yet his entire existence was a secret. The real individual was completely hidden behind a fuzzy screen.
Was this suppose to be my sign?
Should I not be a lover of love? Should I stop getting lost in the idea of forever?…
Maybe I should resign my true belief in soulmates and become one of the majority.
Sometimes I forget that he isn’t real. And in those moments it’s easier to breathe.
Pretender Pete (AKA my ever elusive Catfish) gave me something invaluable. He gave me the right to be myself 100% of the time. This dating world gets so complicated sometimes and when we begin to realize that this new individual in our lives is responding positively to one part of us…we tend to stop there remaining just one dimensional. We would rather they see only the parts that they know and are comfortable with…instead of risking rejection and showing all of our cards. But Pete accepted all of me. He took everything I offered and lied about how he loved it. Or maybe he did love it…whoever he was.
Or maybe this is all just a bunch of bologna and I’m talking out my ass again…
Who knows really?…my right may be someone else’s wrong.
But what I know, or at least what I can remember, is Pete gave me a feeling that I will always cherish and will search for in order to find someone REAL who offers it. Acceptance. Acceptance on the good days, the bad days, the boring ones, as well as the days when I feel like driving 90 mph down the back country roads just because I need to let loose. He never wanted to change me…he found me perfect just the way I was.
Even more than acceptance, he just “got me.” Isn’t that the best feeling?…when someone just “gets” you and of course vise versa. Pete was the first person I’ve ever experienced this with. It was splendid.
He changed everything I thought I wanted for myself but in a good way. Fake Pete gave me a feeling of no limitations. He made me want to be a better person. I want to work harder, conquer my fears, and do everything possible in order to live my life to the absolute fullest. I can get my PhD AND have a family. I can still travel, AND build a life where I want to. I can create anything I can imagine. He gave me that feeling and then suddenly…he disappeared.
I can almost hear his voice now…
“Never settle Cakes, because you fucking deserve everything.”
Abso-fuckin-lutely I do Buddy! I have to keep telling myself my person IS out there. He must be right? But if an imposter can seem so real but turn out to be 100% fake does this mean what I’m longing for doesn’t exist? So many questions, and no Fake Pete to help me figure out the answers. So here I am …on my own again, a little bit different than before.
…Maybe I DO see the Purpose of Pete. (In all likely hood that probably isn’t even his name…Jesus).