Things I’m too Old for at 27: The Dating Edition…

1. Small Dicks

Size matters. Enough said. Sorry guys. I know you were hoping your ex-girlfriend meant it when she said “it’s not the size, it’s how you use it.” NOPE. You can know every maneuver in the Kama Sutra, but if you’re packing what I like to call a lip-stick dick…well all I can say is “I hope you can lick your eyebrows.”tumblr_mcs9ko39Bs1qeuthyo1_400

2. Faking the “O”

This is a pointless gesture that only serves as an ego booster. Guess what? You’re not doing anyone a favor…including yourself. If you can’t tell your partner what you like and how they can make you feel good…you need to do some serious self-assessment. Look at your life. Look at your choices…and then choose to cum. Over and Over.


3. Constant Break-Ups

“Hey are Jane and Dick coming out tonight?”

“No they broke up last week…again.”

“Are you kidding me? Again? That’s the third time this month.”

“Yeah I know their relationship is almost as unstable as my sobriety.”

 Man this one is annoying right? If you’re still doing the constant break-ups during/after every fight in your late 20s, I’d say it’s time for a look at your maturity level. A good argument can be healthy for a relationship…especially when it leads to the making up part. Fights happen So…..

                                                                Listen. Learn. Lick.


4. Lying

Why are people still lying at this age? Just tell the fucking truth and accept the consequences! Now I cannot be blamed if you choose to be stupid enough to tell your pregnant wife/girlfriend that yes she looks fat in that dress…I mean the big stuff: Cheating, Money, Relationship status etc. Just own your mistakes and take it like a grown-up. Because guess what…this is it. This is what we were wishing for when we were twelve and wanted to rule our own lives…seriously sucks sometimes doesn’t it?


5. The “Not Sure” Merry-Go-Round

Here’s a hint: If you’ve been dating someone for a month or two and you’re still “not sure,” how you feel about them, then chances are it’s because you’re “just not that into him/her” and you’re attempting to avoid the feeling of loneliness. Get over yourself. You’re wasting everyone’s time. Go find your balls and do the right thing. End the game before the other player signs that emotional contract binding them to heartbreak.


6. “Hanging Out”

What.The.Fuck. A guy asked me to “hang out” the other night and my response was “Oh are we going to build a fort too?” We are way past the age of “hanging out.” It’s either a date or a hook-up. Guys if you’re still asking a girl to “hang out” with you and you’ve been out of college for a couple years now…it’s time to man up. Make your intentions clear.

Example A: Hey gorgeous, we should go out on a date this Saturday…what do you say to dinner and a Red Box?

Example B: Hey sexy. Wanna stop by later?

                     Sincerely, My Dick.

This way your lady lover (or manly man) knows exactly what you’re looking for. No confusion=No stage four clingers.



7. Dating people without jobs.

We ALL come across hard times, so don’t get me wrong here, but if you’re going on three months without work, and you’re still hitting up the OKstupid account on a daily basis… I don’t have time for you. Your priorities need to change. After all, being in our 20s is all about creating ourselves and discovering how to stay balanced. So if I’m headed into my thirties pretty soon…you best believe I’m going to be looking for someone who’s just ambitious as I am …AND can drive himself to our dates.


8. The “Frat” Guy Syndrome

Here’s the thing…and maybe this makes me lameo but I don’t care… I would rather take my dog for a run and read a good book than go out to the same bar, to see the same faces, and talk about the same bullshit every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night. I’m too old for the guys who are either still in Frat mode or have already created a routine rut. No matter how attractive these men are at 27, I always see this type of guy balding with a huge beer gut at age 46.

I'll Pass........

I’ll Pass……..

I’d rather find a nerd with a pension for weird hobbies any day of the week.

9. The Game Player

A friend told me the other day that a guy had texted her after their date, but she was going to wait to text him back until tomorrow afternoon.

Ummm what? ………

Is this still a thing? Are we still trying to seem “interested but not too interested?” …if I want to play a game it will be Monopoly (or Apples to Apples) NOT the “I want to appear cool with my apathetic response” game. If I don’t hear from a guy the next day…I take it as a sign he’s just not that interested. Don’t try to text me two or three days later to see how I’m doing…because guess what? I’ve probably moved on.

God I love this movie....

Totes McGoats!

10. Needy Ned

Now here’s the tricky part with not playing games. Sometimes people can come across as the “Needy Ned” or the “Clingy Cathy.” These people don’t appear to have much going on in their lives and they don’t quite seem to grasp the idea of taking things slowly. As you all know I tend to leap before I look when it comes to love, but I’m far from a Clingy Cathy. I need my personal time. I don’t want to hear from you all throughout the day, and I like to know that you have things that keep you busy too. I’m looking for my soulmate, my bestfriend, but if I’m the only thing you have going for you…yikes. That’s like driving your car after replacing your gasoline with Vodka….

Safety First....

Safety First….


P.S. I’m very curious. What are YOU too old for in Dating? If you’re a blogger leave your comments below and if you’re a Facebook reader feel free to leave them below the post on my page!

Uncomfortably Honest,