Online Dating for Dumbasses…


Throughout my experience as an online dater I’ve come to realize that these three things are key:

  1. You HAVE to be able to laugh at yourself. If this online dating thing ever becomes a “serious” subject…you need to take a step back and look at your life. Look at your choices. If I would have ended the date with toothless man and then decided to give up…I would have been missing out on some quality material for this blog.
  2. You HAVE to be able to laugh at other people and the human condition in general. People are generally stupid. This is evidenced in the rest of this post.
  3. Reading between the lines must be a strength you possess. (Especially when trying to avoid being the next victim of a serial killer)

I’ve decided to give you all a glimpse into this majestical world of online dating. The freaks, the geeks, and the people who just leave you dumbfounded by their stupidity are as follows….

NOTE: The following has been DIRECTLY taken from online profiles of MEN. I have NOT edited the wordage at all. While I wish I could add profile pictures of these male daters (because some of the pics would make the info even funnier) I’m pretty sure I could get sued for that shit. Let’s avoid that.

Male Dater#1

“Some things you need to know about me are:

I am pansexual – It means I like and am attracted to people regardless of what sexual organ they have.

I follow Asatru – I follow very strictly!!! So I won’t get along with lazy or rude people.

I do not and will not lie – This includes if you expect me to say something untruthful to someone else, I WILL NOT do this. It is against my religious views. Also, I hate Bible thumpers.”

 Let’s just all say what we’re thinking here…Bible thumpers probably hate you too dude…and what the hell is Asatru? Don’t worry…he continues below…

 “Physically, I’m a BIG guy. Nothing about me is small; I’m something like a sweet loving beast, lol. I’m 6’1 or 6’2 (depending on which ruler you ask) and about 280 pounds of mostly iron built legs, with a little bit of a belly. I do not plan on loosing weight, I work out often, I am very strong and very happy with my body.

I do VERY long walks, and love biking. So, as I said, I am a BIG guy in many ways. If you want a wimpy tooth pick that will blow away when the wind picks up, I’m not that and not going to be.

However I typically do not like tooth picks either. I want someone with some meat on them and someone that can handle keeping up with me.”

So what you’re trying to say (really in too many words) is that you’re a Big Beautiful man…looking for a Big Beautiful woman …and I bet you’re also trying to hint at the fact you have a big dick. Nice. (Overcompensate Much?)

 Male Dater#2

“Headline: I’m a Chucky looking for his Tiffany

 Profile: I’m a different breed of man looking for my perfect match. Ideally she’s unique, fun, and likes the evil side to life. ….”

 And…..THIS spurred the title of my Blog. (There was more but I’m going to spare you…) This goes against EVERYTHING I stand for….a serial killing doll and his bride? I hope to NEVER meet this man in public. (Even if he is joking)

 Male Dater#3

 I like a woman who works out, stays in shape, likes to go to the gym and eats healthy. I’m not superficial, but if you’re not in shape than we’re not going to have much in common. So if you’re into any of these things hit me up. I’m Down for anything, but I’m the man so I will decide.

 WOW! …I’ll let all of my feminist friends jump in here. And Go…

 P.S. He also had this statement accompanied by 3 shirtless selfies…way to be fucker. Cocky AND a douchebag. Rare combo (not).

 Male Dater #4:

 Sports are an important part of my life. I enjoy every sport. I enjoy meeting new people and playing sports. I am a very sociable person especially when discussing sports. I’m open to watching Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, Tennis, Football, NASCAR and Golf. If any of this interests you feel free to let me know.

 HEY! Do you like sports??!!?

Male Dater#5:

 I’m the last of the international playboys. A rare breed of man. Don’t let the term playboy fool you. This isn’t Hugh Hefners type of playboy you see! I’m a sophisticated, and domesticated creature. A refined man, capable of sinking the titanic with the wink of his eye! ….I am…..the most interesting man in the world after the dos equis guy…yo soy seximexi! A sus ordenes senoritas!

 This man messaged me, and do you know what his message said? …”hey, sup?” …WOW most interesting man in the world…you know how to stun a woman. Let this be a lesson to all of you online daters…Don’t build it up if you can’t back it up.

 Male Dater#6

 Well to start off with I DO NOT DATE ACCOUNTANTS, NURSES, OR OBSESSED CAREER WOMAN!!! It’s not important to me if you’ve went to college, and I don’t care about how much money you make. This is very important! Must be adventurous and not a ‘I’m too lazy or tired crap.’ I’m a very important person in my line of work because most people can’t do what I can. I’d like to find someone who can appreciate me and is a free spirit who will follow whatever my whims may be for that day.

 Soooo You’re looking for a woman who probably has very low self-esteem, and something also tells me you’ve been given the “I have a headache” excuse one too many times…(because yes, you’re probably awful in bed)

I just have two requests for this man…learn how to use proper grammer, and please do not populate the earth with your misogynistic children. K Thanks

 I mean…do women REALLY message this individual thinking “That’s my man!”?

 Male Dater#7

 People take one look at the face tattoos or the abundance of facial hair and think I’m some satanic beast who’ll eat their children. If it isn’t that it’s the fact I’m an atheist, which apparently makes me a terrible person. These are far from the truth. I do what I can to be helpful, I keep my promises, and I try to make people smile. But, after all these years of giving myself and receiving very little comfort in return… It’s not so easy anymore. I’ve become bitter.

 I kinda feel bad for this one…but dude? If you have face tattoos…I’m pretty sure you should have expected SOME backlash. But your face tattoo lover lady is out there. I’m sure of it…so stop feeling sorry for yourself and wash that bitter taste out of your godless mouth.

 Male Dater#8

 This is all His Profile said:

 I enjoy doing things related to my national heritage.

 Me too! I love getting shit-faced on March 17 and telling strange men to kiss me. …possible soul-mate???? I think I’ll message this one.

 I know what you’re thinking …there is NO WAY in hell these men are serious about finding love. Ladies and Gentlemen…I assure you they are. I specifically chose profiles that were 100% legit and although it’s terrifying…take comfort in the fact that these people are out there working beside you everyday. (If they have a job)

For all of you Single-tons looking to start online dating I hope this has started to prepare you for what’s ahead. To anyone who’s married and reading this post…go give your spouse a kiss and be fucking grateful for them. And to all of my fellow online-daters…soldier on and guard your schlong. I know it’s scary it out there…but it’s going to be worth it in the end when you find that golden ticket. (Seriously though…don’t be silly, protect your willie).




12 thoughts on “Online Dating for Dumbasses…

  1. It never fails to amaze me the things people put in their profile. I am very curious as to why one of the dudes was so against dating nurses, we aren’t all bad!
    The international playboy is a bit vomit in the mouth inducing isn’t he.


    • I’m pretty sure the guy who was against career probably has a tiny dick. I wouldn’t think about that one too long. And as far as the international playboy…yeah….Jesus. Look at yourself dude.


  2. Oh man, I love weirdos. Imagine how boring life would be if everyone was normal and sane. And although dates with them would be hilariously awful, at least if we somehow accidently end up on one, we can let it all out over blogs (much to our own and everyone else’s amusement) haha!


  3. These are fantastic and sadly, not surprising given I see these all the time in my own online dating. This post inspires me to gather some of the great ones I have found as well! Thanks for the great laugh!


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