I met Jason’s ENTIRE family (including his children) before the end of the first month. We were making a lifetime of promises to each other by the beginning of our second…needless to say he was spending most of his time at my apartment (due to the fact he was homeless and jobless). We were also fighting CONSTANTLY. But as all of you know…with constant fighting comes constant sex.
And dear baby Buddha did I love having sex with Jason. Every time was something new…every time he showed me something different. He taught me how to ride him…and he always seemed impressed with my ability to ‘pick up’ quickly. Neither of us had any inhibitions…so take that as you will. Sex was always an exciting experiment and he was my mad scientist. If you’re from or around Indianapolis…it’s a good chance you’ve visited some of our hot spots…
I knew everything was happening too fast to be normal, but then again…”Why would I want normal love?” I would often find myself asking. So Jblondie trudged on through it all. Why you might ask? ….because I felt something…that’s why (or who knows really…maybe it’s the blonde thing?)
Probably seven weeks after meeting, Jason had to move back to his hometown of Indianapolis. Now I had ended a serious relationship with a year of long-distance six months prior to meeting Jason…so I knew how those turned out. But again…I ignored my instincts. On our way down to Indianapolis (I drove of course since he didn’t have a car) Jason dropped his second bomb. He explained to me how he could not “feel,” anything. “I’m numb.” He said. “I feel like we should just see how things go and take it slowly from here on out.” “Besides…you’re not ready for a relationship.” “You don’t really want me.”
Not ready for a relationship!?! I could feel my blood boiling.
It all got worse from there. Jason soon dropped his third bomb (which I won’t explain but needless to say, afterwards I knew I was dealing with someone who was CLEARLY emotionally unstable). He had also been in jail three months before we met. He had never had a long-term relationship with a woman who worked and was successful. In fact, he had ONLY been in relationships with women who NEEDED him. Jason hated his mother (number one red flag)…and he had cheated on EVERY SINGLE woman he had ever dated…multiple times.
By the end of our third month together I was exhausted. I was broken down. Jason liked to make fun of me for everything that made me who I was and then tell me to “lighten up,” because it was his “sense of humor.” At times I found it cute when he would pick on me for little things here and there…but I could never decipher when he was being serious or funny…so I never knew when to laugh.
The saddest moments were when I began to cater to Jason. I would fetch his drinks…fold his laundry…pay for his meals (OK all of his meals, he was jobless)…bought him some clothes…made him a resume…and filled out applications for several jobs for him (SAVE the lectures…I COMPLETELY realize how sad and pathetic this all was).
One night I even did something I NEVER do (mainly because I’m awful at it). I cooked dinner for Jason. But the evening I cooked him dinner ….he was online messaging his old girlfriend…telling her how much he missed her. He explained this away of course. He told me that he was “confused,” and while I was “everything” he wanted…she reminded him of a better time in his life. (A time when he had a job and could actually respect himself I guess) “But if you really love me Jessica, you’ll fight for me,” “because I feel more for you than I ever did with her.” I of course caved again (What was wrong with me).
One night a little while later, and after several more fights, we were getting naughty. Jason was softly kissing my stomach and said, “You know, you really do have a nice body…I just don’t like to tell you because I don’t want you to know I like it.”
That’s when I knew. I was done. The multiple orgasmic sex, the intoxication I felt when his eyes were watching me at the bar, my knees weakening when he said my name…none of it was worth this.
Yes…I was a fool. I allowed myself to be manipulated in every way a person can be (to be fair Jason was a master of the art though). I couldn’t even think straight. Jason’s “love,” had ruined everything good about me. Rather than being self-assured and confident, I was now a ball of questions and insecurities. Instead of loving myself and my body…I now began to find flaws I THOUGHT I had already moved past. One morning Jblondie woke up from a long nights slumber, and didn’t even recognize the strange creature in the mirror.
I had cut off the thing which makes me who I am…I had stopped feeling. Jason’s “numbness,” had been contagious. My emotions switch had been flipped off and there were no more tears left. I was disgusted with myself and who I had become. I wasn’t “in love”…and this certainly wasn’t a fairy-tale. I was in a scary episode of The Twilight Zone…
…and then I met The Mad Hatter…