Now Hiring: Full-time Winner or Only Part-time Loser

I’m a BIG believer in the saying…

                   “You will never find what you WANT unless you know what it is you’re looking for.”

Now of course this can apply to all aspects of life but let’s be honest here…we’re all looking for love so let’s get serious about finding that chubby cherub. And if you’ve already found it? …well good for you, why are you reading a blog about dating?

When it comes to love…

I’ve been praying,

wishing on dead stars,

birthday candles,

other people’s birthday candles,

blowing the shit out of dandelions (and eye lashes),

throwing pennies, dimes, quarters into wells (not even just wishing wells…really any type of wells with ANY type of liquid in it…just in case).

I’ve been looking in fortune cookies, paying attention to my horoscope…and last year I took to an unusual level of desperation by signing up for an online dating website. And you know what I realized? None of the aforementioned things mattered because I had no clue in hell what I was wishing for…but guess what? After dating the WRONG people I found out what was going to be RIGHT for me.

So here it is bitches…

I’m looking for MY soul mate-NOT yours…so keep that in mind as we move along.

I’m looking for my best friend. I’m looking for intensity.

I want my partner in crime, my Thunder Buddy, my everlasting gobstopper.

I don’t want good sex…I want FUCKING fantastic Sex

I don’t want a good guy in my life…I want The Best person I’ve ever met.

I want laughter, and fighting, and make-ups but I’m too tired for the break-ups.

He’s gonna say to me “hey…life is fucking hard but my dick is harder…so let’s go have some glorious sex to forget about the awful day you just had.”

Someone who smiles when he sees me, makes me face the truth when I need a reality check, and a guy who doesn’t give a flying fuck when I decide to blast the latest Miley Cyrus song at an ungodly loud level while challenging the car beside us to a dancing duel.

I want the Zsa Zsa Zu. I want the homerun, over-the-fence feeling you get just by brushing the right person’s arm. I don’t want a fairy-tale because I learned a long time ago that most of those princesses were uneducated and needed someone to support their ass. I don’t NEED anyone and I would never want anyone to NEED me (because let’s face it that’s just too much fucking pressure).

I despise the white picket fence idea and in place of a “sugar daddy” I’ll take a self-righteous smart-ass any day of the week. But let’s be real for a second…he needs to be able to manage his money (and he should have a little to manage since I’ve been throwing mine into wells).

 A guy who in the moment says “god we would make sexy babies,” but right before he came would say “nah better not,” (because let’s face it I’d make an awful mother).

   I need a man who knows what he wants and knows how to get it. Someone with confidence but ALSO realized several years ago that his D-bag qualities wouldn’t play well in real life, so he decided to be unusually kind to others and started cheering for the underdog.

He builds me a tree house even though we probably aren’t going to have kids, because he knows I’ve never lived in a house with a back yard. It doesn’t faze him when I switch outfits 2-3 times out of the day because

1. I love change AND 2. I truly believe I’m the human form of Polly Pocket.

     He’s funny…but what really impresses me is his brain because it’s thinking all the time about random ass shit. He loves my independence and would never think of asking me to change…because even with ALL of my faults (like my absolute stubborn-assness)…I was meant for him. Case Closed. No Questions asked.

His maturity level surprises me considering we can randomly get shit-faced together and still have a blast. And just when I’m about to get bored he decides to switch it up surprising me at work wearing nothing but a trench coat with a man thong underneath.

He has his own hobbies and can fix most things in the house or on my car and usually does so knowing he will be rewarded with a spur of the moment blow-job…or brownies.

He’s Emotionally Stable (nuff said).

He can put up with my awful/non cooking and general messiness because he realized a long time ago there are some cracks to this blonde that will never be fixed no matter how badly both of us want them to be. But together we grow and change and travel the world a tiny bit at a time. All the while realizing that nothing would be as enjoyable if we weren’t together.

I need the DEEP PULSE within my being to be answered by his.

I want the birds chirping, heart racing, falling down the rabbit hole sensation to take over when I’m with just him. Because we are happy…but we are happiest when we are together.

The End.

P.S. If I can’t have this I’ll just take a financially stable man who knows how to give a woman an orgasm.



13 thoughts on “Now Hiring: Full-time Winner or Only Part-time Loser

  1. Great post!! It also took me dating the wrong men and suffering the consequences (hurt, heartache, etc) in order for me to understand what kind of man is good for me. Also, it helps you identify the types of men you definitely don’t want to date!

    I completely agree that a man needs to know how to manage his money. If he’s financially irresponsible and you marry him one day, his debt and bad credit could become YOUR debt and bad credit.

    Also, you make a really interesting point about the fact that fairytale princesses were usually uneducated and in need of support, I never really thought about this. Wonderful post!!


  2. Love everything about this! I also loved that you said Thunder Buddy. Made me giggle as I just had a convo about Thunder Buddies the other day:)


  3. So what are you waiting for? It beckons 🙂

    Financially stable male (me) crossfit (me) handsome (blonde hair blue eyes, me) and fucking fantastic sex (also me). Sounds like a win-win situation 😉

    In all seriousness your stories are hilarious. I think Id laugh at my own life if my brain thought the way you write hahaha!


    • LOL…you’re offering yourself to me and all you know I could be a two-ton bessy. Get it together “Matt.”

      But thank you. …Your compliments on my writing are sweet. My ego is growing as I type. 😉


      • Hrmm two ton bessy…thats a good one.

        Well that would give me something to start my own blog about. You’d be the first entry bwahahaa!


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