I’m Kristyn, Jessica’s AMAZING best friend/roommate. We thought you might enjoy a short hiatus from the clueless Blonde who often forgets to wear underwear (seriously how does someone do that) and instead listen to my voice of reason. I’ve been watching Jess leap into those dangerous dating trenches without a clue for several months now and it’s been …spastic…to say the least.
Keep in mind that I have severe trust issues, and I DO believe that 70% of the men online are either serial killers or rapists (it is the perfect place to find a vulnerable victim… think about it).Out of the remaining 30%, almost all seem to have major issues(Jess likes to call these issues “quirks,” which would make these qualities endearing… they’re not).I am not saying there isn’t an exception to the rule, but Jess has not found that exception thus far…
Just to give you a little background on us: I met Jessica on a cold winter night in the woods… No wait, actually we met at cheerleading tryouts freshman year of high school. But it wasn’t until we lived together in college (stories for a different time) that we really became as close as we are today. Over the past 12 years she’s become the little sister I never wanted.
As I’m sure you’ve already noticed, Jessica is dramatic (Gandhi, really?)… and I tend to be under dramatic (most of the time). She can go from dancing and singing, to being closed up in her room with a box of candy watching a sad movie, to laughing with a friend over drinks within a 24 hour period. Exhausted yet? I on the other hand, need at least 24 hours to plan what I’m going to do every day thriving on a scheduled routine. I wake up early, happy and ready to start the day… she has to be forced out of bed mid-morning with the scariest hair you’ve ever seen (sorry Jess it’s true). When she gets too wrapped up in “crazy town” as I like to call it, I need to reel her in (even if she doesn’t listen). And when I need a break from reality…Jess is there to provide a flare of ridiculousness.
Anyway, you get the point… we balance each other out.
So, in case you are wondering what the (mostly) sane roommate is thinking…here are my thoughts on the stories she’s shared to the world so far…
Toothless: This was the date that spawned our “emergency code system.” Jess knows if she runs into a toothless situation again to text “gummie bear” and I’ll arrive to her rescue. I feel there really are no words that can describe how terrified I would have been if I were Jess at that moment when the man exposed his toothless top center. She couldn’t even bring herself to tell me about him OR that date until a week after it happened because she knew it would give me nightmares. (I have an obsession with teeth…you have to them, I don’t think that’s too much to ask)
The Ear Licker: When Jess first came home and told me about the man who molested her ear at the movie theater… my immediate response was… you’re not going to ever talk to him again, right? Just the thought of saliva in my ear made me ill (not to mention, earwax cannot taste good). She of course went out with him again about two months later though (she has great listening skills).
The Compulsive Liar: He was my favorite (not at 1 a.m. when he entered my apartment as a complete stranger), but the morning after I woke up and discovered I had NOT been chopped into tiny pieces. Jessica left me alone with him for approximately 2 minutes…He told me how he was not only Mr. Save the Animals but also a dog trainer, sheep owner, and Irish farmer? He really had some wonderful stories (2 points for imagination, I guess), but I think he was one of those people that make up lies with so much detail, that they start to believe it themselves. The next day when Jess informed me they had gone to a strip club on their first date… She looked at me incredulously when I asked if she realized he was completely full of crap. She had believed he actually owned property and sheep in Ireland (WOW)! And then I had to explain to her that unfortunately animal rights activists do not take first dates to strip clubs… It seemed like common knowledge to me…apparently not (I shake my head with disappointment even now remembering this one).
Mad Hatter: I don’t have much to say other than… Dude you have to take off your clothes during sex. I mean I will accept the hat… it’s your thing. But your clothes too? I will say that despite his “quirks” (cough…red flags) The Mad Hatter was the only guy that has caused Jessica to literally prance around (like a female version of Bambi on a warm spring day) in the kitchen after coming home from their dates.
And finally… (still to come from Jessica herself)… last and will always be least… is the controlling, manipulative psychotic man that Jess just couldn’t seem to move past. He was one of the first men she met online, and he was a smorgasbord of all the things that Jessica is attracted to. The man with no soul (as I refer to him) had a dark past, was emotionally void, had a questionable family, no job, no place to live, no car, no license, 3 kids (sounds like a winner, right?)…oh yeah he did cocaine too. Jessica got hung up on “the connection” and forgot to look at the ginormous red flags that were flashing every step along her crazy whirlwind way. Stay tuned for her post about him, I’ll be back with a follow up (he was really insane!).
Well that’s all the comments from the peanut gallery for now.
Note: I am setting Jessica up on a “paid” online site now, so she can hopefully (fingers crossed) meet more normal men…. Don’t worry, it’s still Jessica, so there will always be funny stories to be told. However in the quest for her soul-mate (I don’t believe in those) I figure I’ll at least TRY to help Jblondie out as much as I can. After all…maybe she’ll prove me wrong and show me that happy endings do exist.
…Until next time friends, watch out for those serial killers!