A Vodka Induced “Fairy-tale”

As he sat across the table crying in front of me (yes literally crying…not just welling tears), I offered him my napkin and thought to myself, “I wonder if anyone else has experienced this on a first date?” Immediately followed by… “I hope I don’t need that napkin later…these pancakes could get messy.”

As I continued eating (I was over being polite), I tried to decide if this was mayhaps the most awkward moment I had ever experienced on a date. Via phone/text messaging Bryan had seemed like a normal, average guy and yet here he was having an emotional outburst 30 minutes after saying hello in his southern accent. Definitely a new record I imagined (or at least a personal best).

As Bryan told me about his high school friend who had passed away five months ago (whom he had barely seen in the last six years) I made a promise to myself to begin bringing a flask of Vodka on all future first dates (would’ve been great with my orange juice at that point).My inner monologue’s  voice was growing louder by the second, chastising me for being an awful person, but I ignored the bitch, and focused on whether or not I should eat my bacon due to the amount of calories it possessed. I had just finished working a midnight shift at the hospital and I was not about to provide counseling (for free) to a man who had once called me “darling,” over the phone. He seemed like a sensitive man who would have a lot to offer a woman (if you’re into the ‘cries over breakfast type’), but honestly, my shoulder was soggy from all of the tears it had absorbed that night from a patient of mine who ACTUALLY had something to cry about.

 By the time Bryan realized how inappropriate his tears were for a first time meeting, he began laughing at his own uneasiness. My heart decided to take pity on him and talk to him like I would a friend (or at least a fellow human being). Turned out he was quite the conversationalist and had some interesting stories to tell…including one where he believed his ex-girlfriend to be a fairy (yes, a fairy), and explained how she had taken a piece of his soul after they had broken up…(yes, you read that correctly). Unfortunately his sincerity was palpable. He even shared an anecdote about how he had gotten drunk one night shortly after the ‘soul stealing’ and begged her voicemail to “give what she took from me back.”… And by the way… I cannot make this shit up- I’m not that creative.

Needless to say we split the check and the rest is history. No hug, no kiss, and certainly no second date. Bryan was one ‘fairy-tale’ I would not be re-reading. I’m sure he’s somewhere right now though searching for his fairy princess. Good luck Bryan…wherever your less than whole soul may be. And as for Me you might ask?….definitely bringing the flask next time.

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