“Gumming It”

 I sat in my car applying my lip gloss for the last time before slipping off my practical snow boots, and on my ridiculously high “fuck me” black heels. This had become a new ritual for me in the last six months. Online dating was a new hobby of mine and tonight was a new ‘meet and greet,’ first date. No first date was ever the same, and certainly the multitude of men I had been meeting online and then off varied greatly. One might even say I had dated not only all of the colors of the rainbow, but had also sampled the dating buffet that my surrounding areas had to offer.

Tonight I was meeting Matt. He was a factory worker I had been talking to for about a week. We had sent pics to one another…we had long conversations over the phone about music and similar hobbies we shared…we had even enjoyed an entire day of sexting (pics included) back and forth.  And tonight it was the moment of truth.

We had agreed to meet at a nearby Casino, and while I’m not really a gambler (money wise at least…obviously I gamble with life choices), Matt had told me that he enjoyed spending a lot of his free time there. I’m a fan of learning new things, seeing new places and of money so why not, right?

As I exited my small Civic his blue SUV pulled up. His window began to roll down, my heart began to pound in my chest, my knees became a tad wobbly and I sent my final prayer up into the heavens “Please God. Don’t let this man be a serial killer.” His window all the way down I took one look and… BAM! I was disappointed. Now I know what you’re thinking…god this chick is a superficial bEtch. And you would be WRONG-O! Be honest with yourself…when someone presents themselves one way in photographs (like people who make duck faces are generalized as stupid/shallow people with no personality) you are trusting them to present an accurate image. So when Matt had sent me two pictures of his face with a hat on he was obviously trying to hide the fact that he was significantly balding at 31 (which wouldn’t matter with the right personality). And when I found it strange that he would rather send pics of his body rather than his face via text, I now knew why. He lacked general facial symmetry (i.e. sunken face).

Now this was not the first time I had been superficially disappointed and I knew it certainly wouldn’t be the last. As Matt exited his car I decided to shape up my attitude and get to know this man as much as I could. “Hey! Maybe he was disappointed too,” I thought to myself. We chit-chatted walking into the Casino and up to the bar. During which I had found out that not only had Matt been laid-off for the last month, but that he was a chain smoker, typically dated strippers, and had spent the last of his money here at the Casino the night before. “Winner!”

Needless to say I paid for our drinks and we headed to the slot machines. Along the way Matt decided to show me all of his tattoos and piercings. Now normally I’m attracted to the “bad boy” type. There’s something about ink and metal that really gets me going. However, when Matt decided to show me his tongue ring I realized TWO important life lessons.

  1. If you’re missing your front, top six teeth (didn’t see that coming) you really shouldn’t Bedazzle your mouth with piercings.
  2. No matter how good a tongue ring would feel in certain areas of the body…you have to wonder what “gumming” it would be like (I’m going out on a limb… not pleasurable).

Needless to say Matt was NOT nor would ever be my soul mate. In fact, even being friends would be a struggle.

As Matt walked me back to my car I knew I had to be honest with him. This was going nowhere and while he had already seen very vulnerable parts of my body via text messaging (thanks technology)…he would NEVER be seeing them again…especially not in person. He graciously opened my car door for me and as I began my “friend zone,” speech while reaching for my seatbelt he bent down and was now pressing my mouth against his. “DEAR BABY JESUS!” I screamed inside my head.  As his darty tongue slid between my teeth all I could think about was whether or not “Meth Mouth” could possibly be contagious. I pushed him off, slammed my car door shut, and spit in my coffee cup close to a 76 times on the way home. I immediately walked into my apartment and brushed my teeth for approximately 9 minutes applying toothpaste twice and rinsing with Listerine directly following.

“Never again,” I thought to myself. “Never again will I agree to meet someone who doesn’t show me an open mouth smile in their online pics.”

Stay tuned for my next adventure: The man who NEVER took off his hat…

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